Flying Saucer Eyes
As Thom Yorke says in his song “Atoms For Peace”
No more going to the dark side with your flying saucer eyes
No more falling down a wormhole that I have to pull you out
That is what it use to be like before I got sober. In fact, someone dear to me once sent me a photo of myself on a blackout night and said “No more going to the dark side with your flying saucer eyes!” That is why I will never forget these lyrics. They are powerful words to me.
There was a time when I couldn’t wait to go to the dark side. To get out of my own personal hell. On the outside, things looked really rather good. I had a great job. Friends. A good family. But on the inside I was so tortured! So full of fear and negative self obsession…worried about what others thought of me. My confidence level was below the danger zone. I wasn’t good enough. Pretty enough. Sexy enough. Smart enough. Skinny enough. Nice enough. Tough enough. These are the kinds of reinforcements I got from my head, on a daily basis. Hard to live in that kind of negativity. So I escaped the only way I knew how. Through drugs and alcohol. Because drugs an alcohol made me feel all those things I thought I wasn’t. I suddenly felt good enough to be in your presence. My confidence jetted upward. Game on.
But…that confidence wasn’t real. And it only brought me deeper into self-destruction. Morning after morning met with personal confrontations and demoralization. You see, my problem wasn’t alcohol or drugs…Alcohol and drugs were my solution. My problem was spiritual depletion and fear.
Unless you are an addict/alcoholic, it is hard to understand the internal suffering that feeds off of ones addiction. There is no control over it. The addict is powerless. I did not have the tools to survive without intoxication because I did not know how to cope with that thing called life….and all the good and bad that comes with it.
When that powerful day comes….the day one realizes they need help, life can begin. I was powerless over drugs and alcohol. And I was totally depleted. Terrified. Lost. I had no idea how I had arrived at this bottom. And I had no idea how to survive in the state I was in any longer.
And then I got sober. I learned about the allergy of the body and the obsession of the mind alcoholics are faced with. And with that knowledge, I understood that once I put drugs or alcohol in my system, all bets were off. I had no control of what would happen next. With drugs or alcohol in my blood, I was off and running, constantly seeking the next drink or drug. That is why I can never pick up that first drink again, one day at a time.
I began to work the 12 steps suggested to alcoholics and addicts. I began to dissect myself and see why I was an alcoholic. What triggers my alcoholism. I took a long hard look at my life for the past 35 years. And I finally felt free.
Today I don’t have to worry about those flying saucer eyes any longer. I see the world with clear eyes. And I am starting to see myself for who I really am, not what my mind wants to tell me I am or am not. I no longer act like the person I think you want me to be. I am just me. My confidence level as increased tenfold. Today I am who I am, and that is good enough! And I like the woman I see reflected back at me. I am growing daily and learning to deal with life on life’s terms in an emotionally sober way. No more running. No more hiding. Just living as intended. Being of service to my fellows. And trying to stay out of my own way!
Life is good.